


a kiss deeper than your abyss

by adamngoodbatch (sibbed)



Series: The well and beyond [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Dorks in Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26018611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sibbed/pseuds/adamngoodbatch
Summary: There has to be a limit to the number of times Eddie can deviate from his plan. There has to be, because if there isn’t, well, Eddie is screwed. And the funny thing is that he keeps sabotaging himself.OrTOW The Love Confession
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The well and beyond [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866337
Comments: 32
Kudos: 227





	a kiss deeper than your abyss

**Author's Note:**

> And here we are at the end of the journey

There has to be a limit to the number of times Eddie can deviate from his plan. There has to be, because if there isn’t, well, Eddie is screwed. And the funny thing is that he keeps sabotaging himself. 

He’s convinced his talk with Bobby helped, and it did. To some degree. But Eddie, God, Eddie has issues. Trust issues and intimacy issues and staring at the smiling face of his best friend while he jumps down from the ladder after saving a kitten caught in a tree just make every single issue evaporate from his mind.

“Are you free tomorrow night?” Eddie mumbles out and he feels like an infatuated teenager.

“Yes. Why? Something on your mind?”

“Yeah,” Eddie answers and- 

This is it, it’s now or, not never, because he’s been trying for a week, but he needs to do this now. He’s running out of time. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Ooh. So mysterious, man, okay... Your place or mine?”

“Mine. I’ll cook something.”

“Cool, I’ll be there around… seven-ish?”

“Great.”

And then… Then they need to keep working together for hours. Terrible, eternal, perpetual, oppressive hours in which Eddie feels like his soul is constantly trying to leave his body. Their shift is at the very early beginning of twenty-four atrocious hours and Eddie wonders why in the world he had to finally stick to his guns now.

Bobby is no help either. He smirks and makes comments and sarcastic remarks. Lucky for him, Buck is none the wiser. Or he’s playing dumb. Eddie doesn’t care. It’s a done deal. He now has to think about how to put his feelings into words. Frank is going to have a field trip with this tomorrow.

* * *

The therapy session goes better than Eddie had expected. Frank teases him, yes, but only a little and he helps him voice out what he wants to say to Buck. They talk about the difference between adjusting or adapting to some circumstances and accepting a situation as is. Eddie knows he has trouble with accepting things as they are because he dives in for the adjustment phase head first. It’s his defense mechanism. He twists and turns himself into whatever he thinks is required of him, but he never takes a moment to ask those around him if this is what they actually need. Worst of all, he never checks to see what _he_ actually needs.

And lately, he’s been wallowing and falling back into his old mannerisms.

Frank looks at the clock on the wall pointedly. “So, to conclude today’s session I wanted to read something to you.”

“Okay,” Eddie nods curtly, but he dreads what’s coming.

Frank takes out a book from his desk, skims through the pages until he lands somewhere important. He smirks at Eddie and clears his throat before he starts reading.

> _"What is it?" asked the knight._
> 
> _"Life," Merlin replied._
> 
> _"Life?"_
> 
> _"Yes," said the wise magician. "Did it not first seem bitter, then, as you tasted more of it, was it not pleasant?"_
> 
> _The knight nodded. "Yes, and the last swallows were quite delicious."_
> 
> _"That was when you began to accept what you were drinking."_
> 
> _"Are you saying that life is good when you accept it?"_
> 
> _"Is it not?" replied Merlin, raising an eyebrow in amusement._

Eddie is struck by a sudden wave of fascination over his therapist. How does he do that? How does he make a simple quote from a book seem so on point? And he does this every week. Eddie’s mesmerized.

“What are you taking with you from today’s session?”

There are so many things Eddie needs to learn to accept. “Stop adjusting and start accepting?” Eddie questions.

“I don’t know, you tell me, Eddie.”

“Yes. Accepting life is the way to go.”

Frank laughs. “Good luck tonight.”

“Thank you. See you next week.”

* * *

On his way back from therapy, Eddie decides that for dinner he’s going to prepare a simple chicken and veggies roast. He doesn’t want to risk burning a million pans and pots before Buck arrives. 

Or after Buck arrives, that’d be an inconvenient repeat. 

He’s nervous about it too. It feels like a date. Buck can’t read his mind so it actually isn’t a date. He knows it isn’t, and still, when the door creaks open, the butterflies in his stomach flutter around out of control.

“Hey!” Buck greets as he steps inside.

“Kitchen!” Eddie yells back and Buck walks into view. “Hey.”

“Chris alright?”

“Yes. We talked a few hours ago. He’s really enjoying himself.”

“I’m sure he’s missing you like crazy.”

“I’m not so sure,” Eddie chuckles.

“Please, the boy adores you.” Buck pats him in the shoulder and walks past Eddie towards the oven. “What are we having?”

“Roasted chicken and veggies. I opened a bottle of red wine, but we can have a beer if you prefer.”

“No, wine is good.”

“Movie?”

“Yes, the chicken needs to rest at least thirty minutes in the oven, so maybe we can talk now and get it out of the way?”

“Okay, now I’m scared. What is it?”

“Nothing to be scared of, don’t be absurd." Eddie might be reassuring himself more than Buck. "Let’s go to the living room.”

“Are you sure you’re ready to leave the oven unattended?”

“It’s off, don’t worry, I’m not planning on repeating our eventful night of the oven on fire.” 

Buck laughs loudly and Eddie’s heart starts beating rapidly in his chest. He can feel it drumming in his ears. He throws himself on the couch and pats the space beside him for Buck to sit. “So… first and foremost, I just wanted to say thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Buck sits beside Eddie. “I’d love to know what’s that for, though.”

“For being here. For caring about Chris,” Eddie knows he tends to hide his feelings behind his son, he’s done this before, but he’s not going to do it again, “and about me. For taking care of him when I wasn’t able to. But, yeah, mostly for being here.”

“I will always be here for you. You two are family, Eds. I know in the past I might have gone about it all wrong and made some terrible mistakes-”

“Buck…” Eddie doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want Buck torturing himself over the past. 

“Please, let me just say this, I know we’ve talked about it, I know we’re past this, but still, I think I’ve learned something from that or at least I’m trying to prove to myself that I-” Buck shakes his head and gives Eddie a lopsided smile, “-I can change. I have changed.”

“But you don’t need to.”

“No, listen, before May’s party, I got a call from Abby. She wanted to meet. She said that was her actual intention before the train- well, the trainwreck. So she called and we met and we talked. Well, she talked and I- I just sort of had an epiphany. Everything she said, about her relationship with this city, with her job, even with me. Not wanting to go back to being the same as she was before. I think I felt like she was talking about me too. I could see myself in what she was saying? And apply it almost a hundred percent to myself, my life? It was scary. I have this Buck compartmentalization system, right? You know, Buck 1.0, 2.0. I don’t think that’s fair for myself.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“So I had to make changes, okay? It’s not about you or even about this,” Buck says, gesturing between them, “it’s about me, finding my footing, so that I can do better by you.”

“That’s not-”

“It is if I say it is, Eddie.”

“Fine,” Eddie frowns. He understands where Buck’s coming from. He’s talked about it with Frank many, many times. Change comes from within. External forces might help shape a person, but there has to be something else to help pull through the mud.

There’s a moment of silence while Eddie ponders what Buck just said, the gesture he did while he said _about this._

This…

Eddie thinks he might be dreaming. Buck just said he wants to do better by him. _By him?_ It’s preposterous. It makes no sense. No sense at all. But everything points to this being the conversation Eddie has been wanting to have with Buck for weeks if not months, and now Eddie only needs to get the words out.

“Enough about me, you started with a 'first and foremost' and then I went on a tangent. What’s second?”

“Hmm. Right, before Chris left, I saw-” Eddie takes a deep breath and braces for what’s to come. There’s no more avoiding the issue. “The other day, I was home alone watching the news. For some reason, they played a tape about the call with Hayden and the well and I saw- I saw you. I heard you. I mean, I didn’t hear you because the reporter was talking, but you were clearly-” Eddie interrupts himself and takes a moment to look at Buck.

His eyes are comically wide and Eddie reaches out, grabbing Buck’s hands in his, as a grounding gesture for both of them. “I can’t stop thinking about it and I’ve been mulling over what to do about it for weeks because, believe me, it was a lot.”

“I’ve been avoiding it. I- I’ve been told… And I remember, but I haven’t- I’m so sorry if it made you uncomfortable in any way,” Buck’s voice trembles and it breaks Eddie’s heart. 

“No, don’t,” Eddie responds sharply, “you can’t be sorry because I’m pretty sure I would’ve reacted the same way. I never even began to consider what it must’ve felt for you to lose the weight when I cut the line. And then watching as forty feet of mud fell over me. I never considered what it looked like from above. I was so concerned about what I felt and what I went through, that I forgot to check on you. The realization that I had- I was putting so much pressure on myself that I’m afraid I failed you. Again.”

“Eddie, it’s okay. We’ve been through a lot, both of us.”

“I know. It’s just that shit kept piling on and on with what happened with Red and then Athena and the trainwreck...” Eddie avoids mentioning Abby again as he squeezes Buck’s hand. It’s warm and receiving and he thinks he might self-combust if he doesn’t say something, anything, now. “I realized something when I was- you know, _under_. And I know we’ve talked about us being... _friends_. But you said something before, that you wanted to do better by me? And, god, Buck, you’ve been... Consistent and permanent and solid fucking ground for me since maybe the day we met. You jumped in with me the moment you decided to have my back. And the day of the earthquake? Man, you’re my best friend. My constant. I’ve never felt about anyone how I feel about you. You’re my safe place to land when everything else comes crashing down. It’s-” Eddie exhales abruptly. “I’m rambling. Sorry.”

Buck stays silent and unmoving. Maybe he’s giving him the space to get it all out. 

Or maybe Eddie’s about to make a real fool out of himself. 

Who knows.

Who cares.

“I love you,” Eddie whispers and sends a prayer to the void to let it be enough. Let Buck understand him with these words. He doubts if he has anything left in him.

“I’m your constant.”

“What?”

“You said I’m your constant.”

“Yes.”

“We’re not just best friends, Eds.”

“We aren’t?”

Buck holds his gaze steady on Eddie’s eyes. “I don’t think so, no.”

“Yeah, okay. I don’t think so, either. But I don’t know if I have the words yet and I’m sorry about that.”

Buck smirks at him. “I might have the words.”

“Really? Because I don’t think ‘partners’ manages to cover the magnitude-”

“I love you too. And I think- no, I’m pretty sure you’re the love of my life. A soulmate of sorts.”

“A soulmate of sorts?”

“The Penny to your Desmond, it seems.”

Eddie snorts, overwhelmed by the way he loves this ridiculous man. And the way this ridiculous man caught that bizarre reference in the middle of a rambling speech has got to be proof that they really are soulmates. Of sorts.

“Hey, don’t laugh, at least I collected my thoughts enough to put a name to what I feel.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Of course I’m right.”

“So…” Eddie raises an eyebrow.

“What?”

“I might want to kiss my soulmate of sorts, if he's okay with it.”

“Fine, but-” Buck plants a hand on his chest and Eddie backs away, terrified of what’s next.

“What?”

“A very important detail.”

“What?”

Buck surges forward and closes the distance between them, whispering against Eddie's lips, “I need you to know that if we kiss right now, if this,” he gestures between them, mirroring the movement he had done before but closer, more intimate, “happens, it won’t be just once, it won’t be a few times. If we kiss, I will hold on to you and I will never ever, ever let go.”

The thought of having this forever makes Eddie shiver in anticipation. “That’s fine by me,” he says.

“Good. Then you may proceed.”

“You’re ridic-,” Eddie breathes against Buck’s lips.

Buck teases him, interrupting him by barely brushing his lips over Eddie’s. And when they clash together, all demanding lips and grounding touches, Eddie breathes heavily against Buck, his heart finally settling at a steady pace. 

He’s fought through tough battles filled with death and destruction, through warzones and grief. He’s fought against his own resentment and doubt, his insecurities and dilemmas. And he did it all to get himself here. To this moment of absolute peace and security.

Because now, with Buck by his side, he’s ready to take the whole world by storm.

**Author's Note:**

> The book that Frank reads is The Knight in the rusty armor and isn't it just fitting...
> 
> Kudos and comments feed my soul!


End file.
